[ .. as the wind comes.. ]

xx 246th xx

2007-10-28T21:06:00.000+08:00

this weekend has been super dramatic.
i've been hugging ppl crying in the same club.
super drama night at arena last night
so many things happened to so many different ppl
all close to me
urgh
the feeling sucks
and top it off, i have no idea how i stand btwn all these

i give up on men.

i've tried explaining to u time and time again and you still dun get it.
you have no idea how hard is it for me to do all these.
it's draining me out so fast that i can barely breathe.
so please baby, please try to be in my shoes for a day.

xx 245th xx

2007-10-15T12:00:00.000+08:00

lol.

this is funny. i never realised how low can someone become!
but its none of my business anyway.

suddenly i dun feel so inferior anymore.

lol

to the person who've been so patient with me,
who has been so sweet, gentle and superly perfect
u've been great!
though u tried to make me sit on the bike and made me cry, the tortures of bananas stalking me.
really. it seems that sometimes i dun care, i dun bother
but i appreciate your little thoughts and actions!
i cant wait to see u on thursday! Please come back soon!
xoxoxoxoxoxo

xx 244th xx

2007-09-25T21:39:00.000+08:00

omg.. i fell in love with this song..
its sooo heartbreaking..
go watch go watch!

Every time when i'm thinking of you
I just don't know what to do
Pinch myself when i'm dreaming of you,
Making sure that you could love me too
How it slipped away, all my happy days.

Though i'm acting cool, when i'm feeling blue,
Just to show you that i'm through with you,
while i never want it too.

How can the love so beautiful ever slip away,
When i get to the place,
I swear i'll write you a song each and everyday,
Oh, god i'm missing you is driving me so insane,
Standing all alone in pouring rain,
Can't explain can't explain all my pain

xx 243th xx

2007-09-20T11:06:00.000+08:00

Maybe u are right..

maybe u were good enough for me

maybe its just me

i wasnt good enough for you

i'll never be good enough for anyone.

it hurts so much in weeks.

i never realised how much emotions and tears i've locked up, being denial

ouch

it so freaking hurts

xx 242th xx

2007-09-18T11:45:00.001+08:00

I get a feeling I can't explain
Whenever your eyes meet mine
My heart spins in circles
And I lose all space and time
And now that we're standing face to face
Something tells me It's gonna be okay

And I'm ready to fall in love tonight
Ready to hold my heart open wide
I can't promise forever but baby I'll try
Yes, I'm ready to fall in love tonight

I know you've been watching
Choosin' your moment
I've been dreaming of that day
No one before you has gotten to me this way
And now that we're standing face to face there's something that I need to say

And I'm ready to fall in love tonight
Ready to hold my heart open wide
I can't promise forever but baby I'll try
Yes, I'm ready to fall in love tonight

Nothing is certain, this I know
Wherever we're headed I'm ready to go
I can't promise forever but baby I'll try

Yes I'm ready to fall in love tonight (x3)

xx 240th xx

2007-09-12T19:55:00.000+08:00

i was just blog-hopping and at the same time , comtemplating if i should head to mambo anot..

and i came across this.
very true, dun u think ?

.............................................................................

Friday, June 15, 2007

Friend Poaching

There's this article in the latest CLEO (pg 94), which I find quite interesting.I know of things like that happening, but I didn't know there was an "official term" for it.Will share some parts!

***Friend Poaching - The new way to widen your social circle

A few months ago, I caught up with some friends for a beer at the pub. They'd invited another friend, CK, and it didn't take long to realise that CK was my kind of girl - chatty, not at all shy, loves a laugh and a drink. Within minutes of meeting, we were chatting like we'd known each other for years.

After a few drinks, we exchanged numbers and promised to catch up. CK and I are now super close and speak every second day. What happened to the friends we met through, you ask? I see them occasionally and so does she. But CK and I have more in common. Ok, I'll admit it. I friend poached.Many people would say what I did was socially unacceptable, but I'm certainly not alone in this. Friend poaching is a growing trend in our society, where working long hours and having fewer chances to meet people are the norm. If we can't make more friends on our own anymore, what's the harm in stealing our friends' friends?

Ally, 26, believes it's all about social upgrading. One of her best friends, Jess, works as a fashion editor, so their group of girlfriends is constantly being asked for her mobile number by people desperate to cash in on Jess' cool factor. It got so frustrating that Ally decided to coin a term for this trend - glomming (which is defined in the dictionary as "stealing" or "seizing onto").

"That's the thing with glomming," Ally admits. "Less cool people try to glom people they think will make them look good at their upcoming party and so try to get these trendsetters direct, not through the person who introduced them. One of my friends tried to glom Jess, but I'd had enough and flat-out refused to hand over her number. Everyone makes friends through friends, but it's another thing altogether to glom. If you haven't got the social skills to make a connection with someone you want to be friends with, don't try and get in with them via their real friends. There's something in that that just reeks of desperation."

......

Mel, 22, doesn't agree. "It feels like they're going behind your back," she says. "I guess it's a territorial thing. I have different sets of friends and I like it like that. But if my friends from school start becoming mates with my work friends, then everyone starts hanging out together and I'd hate that"

.......

Psychologist Todd Zemek says the key issues that arise when friendships spill over into other friendships are loyalty and history."People can be very territorial about their friends. You really have to consider the middle person's feelings when you're in this situation. But at the same time, that middle person should be realistic and ask themselves why these two parties would want to be friends. What are they offering each other that you can't provide? It certainly highlight issues in a friendship that you may not have otherwise recognised. Sometimes it boils down to the fact that people do just grow apart".

.............................................................................

i felt the earthquake just now
i tot was my HDD going running very fast and so i tried to put my bottle on it, and it was swaying left and right.
and so i thought, well maybe.. and it hit me that OF COS the water will sway la! i just move the bottle only what! (i know i'm a dumbass!)

so what could it be ?

and the other thought came to me, maybe my heart is beating too fast. so i checked my headbeat. seems normal.

and soon after i tot i was just tired.

and stacy msged me "I FELT THE EARTHQUAKE" soon after !

i was like "i'm such an idiot!"

seriously, i'm as silly as i can get.

geez. i somehow still doubt my capitabilities.

will upload photos from MONO on saturday soon..
I WAS FUKING WASTED COS I GOT BULLIED BY STACY'S FRIENDS!
AND HENCE suffered a massive hangover on sunday!
urgh!

xx 239th xx

2007-09-10T23:15:00.001+08:00

the 2 i trust

you make me totally disappointed.

xx 238th xx

2007-09-07T15:12:00.000+08:00

yeah.... one mth of not updating this lonely friend.

now in class, i've decided to.

my life's been in a twirl.

i went through a break up on my bday. but one downfall is other's happiness (or somewhere along that line la). Depressed definately, but my present tops EVERYTHING else in the world. My brother had gotten me a digicam for my bday! YES! THE BEST PRESENT! and definately the first bday one from him! yipeeee!!

but u know, i'm not depressed or anything.
i feel rather relieved in fact, and could be the fact that we've been together for 3 years, so natually the form of familiarity is more than feelings that has long faded away, so why waste time on each other and u're not even good enough for me.

OH well.. life is great these few weeks.
I met up with my close friends, friends that i've neglected for past few years and its great now to have great companies and friends who stand by me when i've been down.

seriously, i couldnt ask for anything more. now i have time to do my work, go sch, hang out with friends and most importantly, I SAVE MONEY on cabs, travelling up and down to holland almost every day for 3 yrs was draining on my pocket and i dun exactly stay near.

i get to spend more time with jasmine whom i've neglected terribly. and she's sick as a cow as well.. YOU AH! BETTER TAKE CARE! DRINK MORE WATER!
And come tmoorow, i'll be meeting stacy, to celebrate her bday at St james.
Its really nice to get old friends back.

i love my pal, my jermieboy, my bestie, my sista and my budddies!

i couldnt ask for more.
i couldnt be any happier.

=)

love, jo.

xx 237th xx

2007-08-14T21:14:00.000+08:00

goodbye to friendster and hello to the new popular application call FACEBOOK.

Now it is the new in thing, so addicted i must warn you.

now.. besides the point, i'm turning 22 really soon and my lecturer, a bitch and always will is pushing us with tonnes of assignments and datelines that are back to back with each other.

as everyone'll say, screw urself bitch!

xP

hurhurhur..
i've done my updates.

before i forget.
ppl, my birthday is 27th. these presents will be alright!

- Harry Potter and the Order of Pheonix (PSP Game)
- N76 / any of the new phones

so u see, my friends, i'm not demanding at all!!
=D

xx 236th xx

2007-07-25T10:25:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

xx 235th xx

2007-07-17T12:44:00.000+08:00

i had the greatest time at wala's during the weekends.

Melissa was back in town so she decided to hold a gathering for her ex-classmates and our primary 6 class.
though was last min, few of us turned up. one i haven seen ages since we left the lower grade and the rest we hardly talked to.
it was so great! the air was initially tensed but loosen up after the same questions (how are you doing, what you doing now) and trying so hard to remember who else was in the class.

someday in november we should all have another gathering like these. when i can remember everyone else!

=D

reminscing good old times.

almost 12mn, everyone left so jerm came down and meet us. went to HK cafe in cine and we laughed our ass off. seriously, we need control!

my 2 favourite bfs, ,<3!

xx 234th xx

2007-07-13T03:53:00.000+08:00

happy birthday michael honey.
Please watch over me in Heaven or by my side.
let me make the correct choice.
:)
we miss u

i love my new laptop!
HP tx1000series, twist and touch!
yummy!

i enjoyed mambo so much last night.
so many classmates were there.

xx 233th xx

2007-07-03T18:30:00.000+08:00

guys, meet my godson. alden tan!

and i've been inked.
I do not know how to take a pic with it cos i dun have a full-length mirror. but these are the best!

xx 232nd xx

2007-06-30T14:40:00.000+08:00

I remember when i first read Vicky's blog, her best friend Yichao wrote an amazing story. I cried like a dam.

Andrew, Please wake up soon. You wouldnt bare to leave anyone behind. You're like a brother to gareth. I know my babybro is hurting. Please just wake up soon. We need you. You know, we barely talk anymore these few years. If i could do anything, i would swopped places with you anytime, just to see the smiles on everyone's face

Somehow, now in the library, trying to rush my assignment, i was reading it and emotions filled me up.

Maybe its just the issues that i've been going through these couple of days.

there's how the story goes. (its a pretty long one)

Chapter 1-

This is a real story about a guy whom I was very fond of, probably even loved, after a fashion. His name was Mark. I got to know him because we took the same course. This is my story, about Mark.

It was the first day I was going to school. I was 18. Naturally I was excited and apprehensive – I was going to meet new people.

My course was a new and small one, with subjects pertaining to the media. Think of it as a sort-of-schoolish Mickey Mouse Club. The first time I saw Mark was when I entered the lecture theatre. I remember thinking about his good looks and beautiful skin.

I had a friend Elena in the course. We hung out together all the time, having several similarities. We were the same height, 5’9” (175 cm) and same weight, we wore the same sizes, even our behaviours were similar Many people mistook us for sisters, sometimes even twins. I always joke, “We’re different sides of the same coin; she is light while I am dark.” That sentence was not untrue – Elena was vastly popular, sociable and very pretty. She was the sunshine girl, the golden girl of the course, with an infectious laugh and witty remarks. They called her Miss SunShine.

I was a different matter. I was not ugly myself, I must admit. However, where they called Elena the Sunshine Girl, I was Ice Princess, or Frost Maiden. Where she is tan and golden brown, and hair bleached into streaks of colors, I was pale and fair with long black hair. When she was in the sun, I was in the shade. While she was socializing in a club, I would be sipping my wine in the corner.

She was the Sun, and I was the Moon, and Mark… Mark was our Star.

I really got to know Mark only after a few months into the course, and that was only because Elena ‘introduced’ us. She’s friends with everyone, naturally. Of course Mark and I knew each other already, but we were not close; we had hardly spoken more than a few words to each other before.

There was a charity drive in my school, which was supposed to be managed by my course, and Elena and I, along with Mark, were supposed to attract ‘customers’. After a few hours of badgering people, we had had enough; we decided to sneak off for a break and return later.

We ran out of school and across the road, laughing. It had begun to drizzle, a cold, sticky rain, but we are young people and what was a little rain? We went to the high rise apartments opposite the school, and sat down in a stairwell to smoke. The rules were very strict – we were forbidden to smoke in school, or anywhere within a hundred meter (about 300 feet) radius of school. Which was why we were hiding in a stairwell.

I was seated on one of the steps, and Elena beside me. Mark was standing, pacing around, looking at stuff, behaving like a guy. He looked good; I enjoyed looking at him. Elena was chattering away, when suddenly he said, “I really need to take a leak.”

I kept quiet and blew out smoke.
Elena grimaced. “Okay, I didn’t really need to know that.”
Mark continued as if she didn’t say anything. “Do you have a rubber band?” He was looking at me. (For those of you who didn’t get his joke, he wanted to a rubber band to tie around his thing to stop the pee, lame, yes.)
I looked at him, and said, “I don’t think so.”
“Damn, I really need to pee.”
“So why don’t you? We won’t look.” I joked.
Then he gave me another one of his piercing looks, and caught my eye. “I have a better idea; why don’t you give me a blow job?” I held his eye for a while, then looked away. “I think I’ll look for that rubber band.”

Elena was giggling, and he and I both looked amused. I might have sounded nonchalant, and looked expressionless and smooth and cool, and normally, I would have been. I don’t know why I wasn’t. My heart was suddenly pounding. I bet it was the look he gave me.

So Mark started hanging out with us, when he wasn’t with the guys. Sometimes we went out shopping together, because he said that we had great taste, and he wanted us to choose clothes for him. He was always much friendlier to Elena, however. He thought she was prettier, that she had better taste, she could dance better, she was nicer, she had a more pleasant disposition.. etc etc.

One night while talking to Elena on the phone, she mentioned that Mark had just put down the phone with her. Apparently they talked on the phone every night. That has never happened to me (with him).

I grumbled, “Why doesn’t he call ME? Maybe he likes you..” I teased. Elena knew I was fond of Mark. She said, “That’s impossible.Why don’t YOU call HIM?” “And talk about what? You?” I replied, rolling my eyes. She said, “DUH! Anything and everything under the sun..”

So after much encouragement from Elena, I picked up my courage and the phone and called Mark. He was very nice on the phone - politely distant, in fact. I tried to make conversation, but after some time he just put some music on to play in the background and asked me to listen to the songs. From my conversation with Elena, I knew that this happened all the time. But I was not a patient person like she. Three songs later, I said I had to go, (in a very cold voice, in fact), and he could go play his songs to Elena.

I admit, I was bitter, and jealous. But I was happy for Elena too. The human soul is a diamond with many facets – I felt such a myriad of emotions, anger and love and bitterness and envy and happiness and guilt and shame.

I started being rather unfriendly to Mark. I like him, yet he treats me as a second fiddle; only to be sought when Elena was not available. He was always praising Elena. Elena this, Elena that. I wasn’t bitter towards Elena – my loyalty towards our friendship was too strong. I was angry with Mark. Harsh words came out when I saw him, inadvertently. We started squabbling about every little thing. He started being nicer and nicer to Elena, and more and more unfriendly towards me, and vice versa. But sometimes there were times when I wasn’t angry, and he wasn’t angry, and then we would be nice to each other.

Chapter 2

There was an ‘outing’ one day. My friends and my coursemates decided to go clubbing at this new club. It was called ‘Home’. It played R&B and HipHop and was mostly frequented by Caucasians and foreigners.

A huge bunch of us went down. I was late, and Elena met the rest of the people and they went for a spot of dinner first. When they were done, I was just about done preparing too, and then I took a cab down. It didn’t take long. They saw me from a distance, and there were whistles and catcalls. I knew I looked good. I was wearing a black chiffon spaghetti dress, a little on the rich side, with the hem swinging a few inches above my knees. My long black hair was tied in a straight pony tail, high and tight and nearer the top of my head than the bottom. For footwear, I had decided on a pair of black stilettos. I did not wear much make up, dark lipstick and some eye shadows and liner, and a bit of dark toned blush. I carried a tiny black hand knit purse with sequins which contained my lipstick, phone, cigarettes, lighter and cards. Black rose earrings completed the look. I knew how to turn the heads when I went out.

They stared at me when I arrived, for I usually did not doll myself when I went to school. I figured there was no need to. I smiled and bantered at their compliments, and then turned to Mark and Elena, who were sitting together at a marble bench outside the club. He had driven her there. He looked a little slack-jawed. I smiled at him, and he said, “You look very nice.” He was wearing a simple grayish shirt and black pants with black leather shoes. A shiny earring hung in his left lobe, his hair was groomed. He looked simple – simply marvelous. “Thanks, you do too.” I smiled and said to him.

Elena, of course, looked ravishing as well. She wore white – a contrast to my black, for we had discussed our colours, and had decided to make a statement. She had on an off-shoulder white dress, with puffed, lacy sleeves, and a plunging neckline. The dress was tight, extremely so, and showed off her curves outrageously. Her hair was down, smooth and shiny, with all their streaks, and she wore a pair of huge hoop earrings, and a butterfly ring. Her make up was artfully applied, accentuating her ready smile and sensuous lips.

It seemed I was the last one to arrive, and after a few short moments, we had entered the club. It wasn’t very packed, but there was a ready crowd, and beautiful people milled around. We found a corner table and cushioned couch for ourselves, and ordered our drinks.

The music was upbeat and modern, and very soon, I found myself sitting alone, and on my fourth glass of red wine. Elena was somewhere gyrating with a couple of Caucasian men, and the rest of my group were dancing together, more often than not split into couples. I lit another cigarette and leaned back into the low couch, crossing my legs.
“Wanna dance?” The pair of legs belonged to Mark. I shook my head. “ I don’t really like the music.” “Aw, come on, this is a really nice tune. Don’t be such a spoil sport.” He took my hand and tugged me towards the dance floor. Soon I was whirling away to the music, smiling and laughing, Mark’s body close to mine. As the night progressed, I had a glass too many of red wine, and he, too many shots.

On the couch, dark red in colour, crimson against my black, his hot mouth breathed against my ear, “Come over to my place tonight.” I laughed, and was about to say ‘no’, when his mouth clamped over mine, drawing away my protests. I returned his passion, his mouth wet against mine, his grey sliding against my black, the black sliding up my smooth white skin...

I disengaged my mouth from his. “Let’s not go too far.” He was disappointed, I could tell, his hands tightening on my body, then sliding away. “Why not?” He touched my cheek, tracing the contour gently, coming to rest on my chin, and holding it in two fingers.

“I don’t really think.. We’re not...” I could think of nothing reasonable to say. Giving him a slight peck on his lips, I arranged myself, and went to the ladies to make sure nothing was out of place.

I returned to the couch, and he was gone. Casting a glance at the dance floor, I saw that he was dancing with Elena, his body pressed against her back, his hands roving all over, swinging and twisting to the music. They looked like they were enjoying themselves. I stayed at the couch, lighting cigarette after cigarette, ordering a few more glasses.

That night, he was too drunk to drive back, and Elena and I sent him home first. All three of us sat in the back of the cab, he on the right, Elena on the left, and I in the middle, with him lying more or less in my arms. I felt… there was a warm feeling in my heart, hard to explain. When he got out of the cab, he staggered a bit, standing at the door and looking at me. I looked back, for a while, both of us said nothing, then, gently, “Sleep early.” I said. He continued looking at me for a second, then closed the door, a little too hard. I told the cab driver my address and didn’t look back at him.

“What was that about?” Elena looked amused. I shrugged. “He’s just drunk.”

Chapter 3

After the incident at ‘Home’, my relationship with Mark got worse. I want to clarify something – at this point, the only relationship we had was a tenuous friendship. We were not a couple nor he and Elena a couple. The relationship between all three of us was platonic. However, Mark and I hardly saw each other without squabbling. We would see each other for a little while, and then he would start getting on my nerves, and usually I’m the one who starts the quarrel.

“I need to use the gents,” He would say. “Whatever.. We didn’t have to know that.” I would cross my arms and roll my eyes. He would keep quiet at first. Then I would attack him again. “What’s your problem?” He would say.
“You’re my problem!!”
“Stop screaming at me!!”
“I’m not screaming at you!!!” I would scream back at him.
It was chaotic, and silly, and childish. I wish that things had not turned out the way they had.

For whatever reasons, Mark’s work in school had begun to suffer, and he started skipping classes, not doing his assignments, etc. His results were suffering. Because of this, he started becoming less and less popular, and Elena and I hung out with him less and less, one main reason being that every time we saw each other we would spit venom. He had less and less friends, and would come to school disheveled and wearing the same clothes he wore the day before, or would come in entirely mismatched clothes, or when there was a function, he did not follow the dress code. Because of these trivial matters, people talked about him, and ignored him and teased him.

Elena was still friendly to him whenever we did see one another, and it seemed their friendship was still prospering. Sometimes, Mark and I would see each other, and then he would smile at me. Sometimes I would smile back. Sometimes I lost myself in that smile, those eyes that twinkle like candle flames in a mist. There is a saying, “Even the most humble house looks like a castle in candlelight.”

There was only one more time that Mark, Elena, and I went clubbing together, all three of us. Most of the time, it was only Elena and I, with some other friends. That night, I suddenly had a desire to see him, and I called him at the last minute. He said he would be there.

We went to Zouk, one of the more popular spots in town, and one of the most expensive. That night, Elena and I surpassed even ourselves. She wore an extremely short, extremely tight denim hot pants, with a wide, shimmering diamante belt. On top, she had on a velvety, bikini in golden tones, which caught the light in a marvelous way. Over that was a leathery jacket in bronzed, coppery shades. Her hair was tied into a chopstick bun, very oriental and demure, totally clashing with and yet accentuating her very ‘spicy’ image.

I had on a one piece thingy. It was a deep, wine red, bareback halter neck dress. It was modeled a little after the traditional Chinese cheongsam. The top of the dress was like the ends of a piece of cloth, which I tied around my neck, so that it looked a little like a piece of scarf at the back. In front, the cloth fell gracefully in folds against me, showing off curves. It was bareback, all the way to the top of my bum, then it was tight around my hips, finally falling in short, jagged waves, longer on my left, and shorter on my right side. My hair was dressed in big, loose curls, billowing around my head. Make up was dewy.

Mark, this time, didn’t dress up. He wore a simple t-shirt and jeans. He still looked good, however – simply marvelous. We looked at each other and said ‘hi’ politely, while Elena smile and gossiped and laughed and socialized.

It was fun at first, there were drinks and I drank, there was music, and I danced. I obviously had a little too much to drink, however, for I tried to kiss him. He pushed me away. I whirled away from him, looking in all the world like I was dancing, like there wasn’t anything wrong. I laughed and smiled as my heart felt like bursting, my hair floating around me, my stilettos scratching the marble floor, the disco light pulsating in my eyes. I had never danced so wildly before in my life, and I pretended everything was okay, but Elena had seen everything, and she knew. Everybody knew. They always do, when it came to things like this.

A few Eurasian guys started dancing with me, then brought me over to a corner where they started piling me with drinks. I knew what they wanted. And I drank. It was of no consequence. Getting higher and obviously out of my mind, I danced and drank, and guys asked for my number, and I did all sorts of crazy stuff. I finally hooked up with this model guy, leaning on him, my arms around him, as we tried to dance in my brain-dead state.

There, with that guy, Elena finally found me, and said it was time to go. Mark had gone off with a Japanese girl. The model wanted to send me home, he had a car, he said. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, he said. All he wanted was sex, I bet. He needed a brain. I smiled and pinched his cheek, and let Elena send me home.

The next day, when my head was much clearer, pounding crazily, I told myself, I lose my head when I’m around him. From now on, I should try to distance myself from him. No more calling him out. No more kissing, no more smiling, I shall not let myself be bewitched by him, I told myself fiercely. Or any man for that matter.

Chapter 4

Life settled into a routine after that. Mark came less and less to school, and Elena and I hung out less and less with him, until it became a scarcity for us to even talk. I told Elena about my decision about staying away from him. He doesn’t like me, he likes you, I told her. You are a crazy fool, she said to me.

Mark had few friends left, and the course talked about him. Nasty things. My course was not a pleasant one, and back stabbers were everywhere. Sometimes, Elena and I joined in the bitching. Elena was just a natural bitch, and I was spurred on by my bitterness, even when I didn’t feel like bitching.

Mark got kicked out from the course not long after. I wasn’t really very sorry, a little surprised, of course, but.. life goes on, as I always tell myself, and.. he wasn’t a big part of my life anyway.

I continued living my life, and soon put him out of my mind. Not entirely, though. I still thought of him once in a while, when I was alone, or with Elena, when we talked.

Sometimes I would call him, but we never talked long – he always said he was busy. I would hear from my friends that they saw him at wherever wherever.. he had a part time job, it seemed.

Sometimes he would call me, but I was always cold and distant. I remember that night and the push, and the fool I had made myself..

A year after all this, I was somewhere near Elena’s house, talking with her, and smoking, and gossiping, and having a bit of wine.

I remember a bit of the conversation.

“I’m so bored!” Elena said.
“There’s no use complaining.. I’m bored too.. there’s just nothing to do..”
“Well, thinking of something then!!” She tugged her hair.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know!? That’s why I’m asking you!”
“Well, let’s go to town tomorrow then..”
She looked at me suspiciously. She knew I hated crowded places. “Are you sure?” I knew she thought I was joking.
“Yes!!..” Exasperatedly.
“Okay!~! Cool!!” She giggled. “Let’s ask some people along.. umm..”
“Let’s ask Mark.” I decided impulsively.
“Are you sure!?” Incredulously. “You said it yourself! You call him tonight.”
“No, no. Let’s not ask him. I don’t feel like seeing him. I don’t want to see him.”
“Okay.. whatever.. it’s up to you..” She took a drag on her cigarette.
A pause.
“Elena.. am I ugly?”
Smoke rings, then she rolled her eyes. “No.”
“Then…. I think I’m ugly.”
“No.”
“Then.. why is it.. why is it that no guys like me? No.. what I mean.. you’re always popular, you know? Guys are always crowding around you.. no such things ever happen to me!”
She rolled her eyes again. “ Let me tell you something. I go out and party. You go out and sit in the corner, looking like a glacier. Guys like me coz I’m vibrant. You.. you’re Ice Princess.. Frost Maiden.. Dark Goddess.. I don’t know what else they call you..” She flapped her hands. “Guys see you sitting at the bar alone, and they don’t dare to approach you. You look distant and aloof. Unreachable. They’re afraid they’ll hit a wall. Guys don’t like to take chances with girls like you, you know. It’s the vibes you give off, you know. ‘Don’t come near me’ vibes. It’s the vibes, trust me, vibes, you know?” She pointed her cigarette at me.
I lighted my own cigarette. “Hmmm. I don’t know, I don’t really think so.. ahh.. forget it, it doesn’t really matter. I wonder how’s Mark.”
She looked at me shrewdly. Elena wasn’t a bimbo, though sometimes she acted like one. She was smart. “Why don’t you give him a call?”
I was silent for a while. “No. I don’t think I will. I don’t want to talk to him. He’s out of my life, anyway. I’ve told you, after that night.. I have to distance myself from him, I lose my head, and that’s not me.”
She flicked her cigarette away and started on another one. “Well, it’s up to you, babe.”
“Let’s just go to town tomorrow. I’ll call the others,” I said.

So it was that, the next day, Elena and I was on a cab to Orchard Road, which was New York’s Fifth Avenue for Singapore. We were supposed to meet a few of our classmates there.

Chattering and chattering on the journey, we were in high spirits. Elena’s phone rang suddenly, and she picked it up. I looked out the window at the sights, and let her do her talking. One of her several.. ‘friends’ I bet.

“What?! Are
you sure?! Mark? What?”

I turned and looked at her, my heart skipping a beat. Her face was ashen, her eyes closed, long lashes brushing her face.

“Okay, okay, thanks.. uhhh.. I’ll confirm with you again.”

She put her phone down, snapped it shut with a ‘click’. I remember the click. Head lowered and face pale, she was silent.

“Who was that?” I asked, finally.

She turned to me. Her face was taut and disbelieving, her eyes glazed and faraway. “Mark’s dead,” she said.
Chapter 5

I kept my face blank. My heart was missing, it is stone. I am like the ocean, I told myself, I am like the deep, where great waves rise and fall, but the deep do not rise and fall. I am the deep. My heart pounded.

“Which Mark?” I asked roughly. I knew which Mark.

Her face was a study. A miasma of emotions. Disbelief amidst a rainbow of shock
“OUR Mark! Mark (LastName)!!” Her eyes opened wider as she realised what she said. I bet she felt like it was a dream. It was a nightmare.

I kept my composure. Raised an eyebrow, “Really.. well.” I gave a little laugh. I looked out the window. Sometimes, there is grief, and then there is grief. I had no tears to shed then.

Elena started sobbing into a tissue. I let her. Very soon it got on my nerves.

“Why’re you crying? We weren’t even that close to him in the end. We didn’t even like him anymore.”

“But.. it’s a life, you know.. it’s still a human life.. no matter what.. we were friends with him.”

“Humph. Well, everyone dies sooner or later. It’s inevitable anyway, there’s no need to feel sad.” I was harsh. I was angry. I was silent for the rest of the journey. I was thinking. I was in turmoil. I was lost, and shocked, and in control. I thought I was in control.

At that moment, my phone rang. I knew it was the same person who called Elena – one of my classmates. I picked up the phone.

“Yes.”
“Hello. Tuesday? This is Edwina. Um, I’m very sorry to inform you that Mark (Lastname) has passed away..." She paused, obviously expecting me to say something. I kept silent.
"Umm.. The service will be held at The People’s Church.”
“Uh huh. How.. who told you this?” I was surprised when my voice came out a croak. I never lost control of myself like this.
“I saw it in the obituaries this morning.”
I licked my lips. “You mean people actually read the obituaries?” I laughed.
She sounded a little shocked. “Err.. yeah…”
“How did he die?” Nonchalantly.
“Errmmm, it was supposed to be a drug overdose.”
“I see.. Okay, thanks.” Slightly amused.
“So will you be coming for the service?”
“I’ll… confirm with you again. I think so. Thanks anyway.” I hung up without waiting for a reply.

We arrived at the café where we were supposed to meet the others and I bought a large pack of cigarettes, figuring we’ll be needing it. We sat down, Elena sobbing quietly. I felt hot and feverish. And then I realised that the café was playing Mariah Carey’s Without You.

No I can’t forget this evening,
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way the story goes.

You always smile but in your eyes,
Your sorrow shows.. Yes it shows..
No I can’t forget tomorrow,
When I think of all my sorrow,
When I had you there,
But then I let you go…

And now, it’s only fair
That I should let you know…
What you should know…

I can’t live,
When living is without you,
I can’t live,
I can’t give anymore…

I look at my phone lying on the table. Stared at it and lit a cigarette. I found my fingers were trembling. Took the phone up, and scrolled down my list of numbers. Such a long list.. such a long time I have not contacted all of them.. so long before I reached the ‘M’s. Mark.. Mark.. Mark..

His number was still there, his name a burning brand on the tiny glowing screen. I held the phone for a long time. The café had gone through the first CD, going through a second one. Still Mariah, though. She was singing.. a song I didn’t recognize at first.

You're with me
Till the bitter end
What we had transcends
This experience
Too painful to
Talk about
So I'll hold it in
Till my heart can mend
And be brave enough to love again

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved
In my mind
In the memories I'll find solace..

Never Too Far, I realise. I smiled, wryly, my eyes shut. I made up my mind, I called his number. My heart pounding, my fingers trembling. I lit another cigarette. It connected. There was a dial tone. I was shocked. I didn’t expect it to connect at all. Wouldn’t his phone be off or something like that? What had possessed me? Why had I even called? I ended the call immediately, before anyone answered the phone. Put it on the table, and puffed away furiously on my cigarette. I ordered a bottle of wine.

As the waiter walked away, I settled back into my chair, and my phone rang.

Chapter 6

I stared at my phone, as it vibrated against the table surface. Such a small thing, yet the tremors it set in my heart. Flutters. My fingers are weak. I stared at the phone. It rang, I remember, six times before I picked it up. I counted each trill of the ring tone. It grated against my soul. A phone call has never set me aflame like this before. I reached for my phone with trembling fingers. It seemed to take a millennia, my heart pounding dully in my breast, the blood roaring in my ears. Somewhere, I smelled spaghetti.

I picked the phone up, and the caller ID showed his name. Mark. Mark. Mark. It will not stop haunting me.

“He.. hello..” I answered.
“Hello?” A childish, young boyish voice that I did not regconise. “Uh, are you Mark’s friend..?”
“Yes.” I could say no more. My voice did not belong to me. It belonged to a succubus from hell.
“I’m his brother.” The high pitched young voice said cheerfully. So innocent. I drew the conclusion quickly. They had put his younger brother in charge of his phone. “You know about Mark, right?”
“Yes. Yes I do.”
“Uh. So.. are you coming for the wake?”
“It’s being held at The People’s Church, isn’t it?” I had managed to banish the succubus.
“Uh, no, the service for the funeral is being held the church, but the wake is held at my house.”
“Oh. What’s your address? No, never mind, I’ll get it.”
“So.. are you coming?”
“I’ll.. call you again. I’m not sure.”
“Okay, okay. Thanks.” The voice squeaked. So untroubled, unsoiled. I put down the phone.

I had tears in my eyes suddenly. Springing from some deep recess inside me. No. I am strong, always. What was he anyway. Just a fling. We are adults. It was a game. It was nothing. The world spun on its axis, and I felt as if my head was made of leaden clouds.

I blinked back the tears. Took a deep puff. Elena was quiet finally. In that deep peaceful mood after long and hard crying. She hadn’t noticed what had transpired between the brother and me.

That was a long afternoon. Everyone else arrived. They had heard the news too.. but they weren’t very troubled by it. They hardly knew him, after all, and it’s been a year since anyone even thought about him. I suppose it struck a chord in them though - the vulnerability of life, that flame which can gutter and go out so easily, the immortality which young people generally feel tarnished, the silver lining behind every cloud torn asunder.

Elena cheered up a bit, but I knew that she would cry again, when she thought about it. I spent that afternoon making hysterical jokes about people dying.. about how we have one less number in our phonebooks.. laughed and laughed.. it wasn’t natural.

Finally I reached home in an exhausted state. Flipped open the newspaper, to the Obituary section. There I found him. It was such a small piece. Black and white. It was different, seeing it on paper. I cut out that page, and kept it in my cupboard.

Mark (LastName) passed away peacefully on 14.12.2002.

It kept running through my head. Tossing and turning in my bed, I wished he would come. Visit me, let me see him, I prayed. Who was I praying to? I had no idea. Not God, surely? I didn’t even believe in the Christian God. When I say God, I suppose I meant a higher being. Not the Christian God. I suppose I prayed to myself.

I lay in the dark and whispered silent words. I was a banshee who couldn’t scream. Oh Mark.. I said to the dark. Why? A joke surely, like this universe. Constructed on a whim. I believe God threw the dice to decide our fate. This was one big joke to him. Or her, for that matter. My love, my sorrow, I whispered to the morning light. Why? I finally fell asleep as the first rays of the morning touched me. It was a dreamless sleep. Or if I dreamed, they were so dark and dreary that I don’t remember them.

The next day, I managed to persuade Elena and two other friends who knew Mark, to go for the wake at his house. I wanted to see him, I told them. They didn’t want to go, for various reasons. Elena was afraid she would break down, I know. I was adamant. They could go with me, or I would go alone. I must see him. I must talk to him. Finally they agreed.

I made myself beautiful. Dark colours to suit the occasion, and my mood. A black turtle neck and a longish ragged looking silk skirt, with my hair tied up severely into a ponytail. Black stockings that reached the bottom of my knees, black boots, and my black rose earrings. Indeed, they matched my mood. I must be beautiful for him.

Elena wore a simple purple spaghetti dress, long, past the knees, and bunned her hair up tightly. She wore her butterfly ring.

I got into the cab, picked up the others, and we were on our way.

Chapter 7

Traveling in the dark interior of the car, we were most of the time silent. There wasn’t much to say. What would we talk about? How well we knew him? Most people didn’t know him that well. How close we were to him? Nobody was close to him. What a good friend he was? He had no friends among us. How much we would miss him? He would pass away like winter before spring, most will not remark, most will not remember.

We were silent. I was screaming inside, with anticipation and apprehension. I felt like I was getting married, instead of going to a wake. The ghost bride. I remember I laughed to myself. I wish I could cry. The tears will not come.

The vehicle turned and twisted with the road; after what seemed like an eternity that passed too soon, we found the place. It was bright with lights, and tables and chairs had been placed in the front yard. We stood outside, in an unseen corner, because Elena and I needed to smoke first. We needed the nicotine.

Finally, we made our way in. A yellow makeshift tent had been erected to keep rain and shine out. It was about eleven, at night, and we were some of the last people.

The place was shrouded in a cold sort of people, that quiet, tired feeling, when you feel like you just have to whisper. No one seemed to be mourning much, no one was crying. I felt anguish around me like a ghost.

When we went in, only two tables were occupied; a miserable number. His friends, I could tell, a bunch of punk looking guys and skinny girls with coloured hair and dozens of bangles, young and ill at ease. They tried to look tough and meek at the same time, obviously failing miserably at both.

They stared at us. I swept past them. To me, they were trash. At that moment, I hated them, though I did not know that I did, or why I did. Now I remember – I was feeling intense anger and bitterness. I know I despised them. Their shiny styled hair, they smooth white faces that looked so out of place. Their clothes would have looked more suitable in an arcade. Such young fools – I thought of them as such. Mark had been a year younger than me, and then many of his friends were some years younger than him, due to the crowd he hung out with after he dropped out of school. A bunch of good-for-nothings, really.

I am usually not one to judge. If I dislike someone or somebody, I ignore them, and put them completely out of my mind, and in that effect, existence. I was different that night. My emotions were so intense then. I was angry. Angry with the whole world, angry with myself, angry with him. Most of all, with him.

My poise did not show my emotions, of course. It seldom did. I maintained my façade through the storm.

His parents saw us, his mother came to receive us.

“Hello… Are you Mark’s friends?” It was dreadful to hear that voice. It didn’t sound sane. It was long and drawn out. If you didn’t see her face, you could have mistaken it as being coy. But if you listened carefully, there was a terrible undertone. She sounded tired and plaintive, pleading. A little out of her mind. You could hear the grief. Some people might tell you it is impossible to hear grief, or measure it. I say they are wrong. Perhaps there are no ‘exact’ units for the measurement of grief, like the metric units for distance, or the Celsius or the Fahrenheit for temperatures. But sometimes you could hear grief, like a living thing, you could measure it, b comparing it to something else.

I could hear her grief, deep and fathomless like a boiling ocean of black pitch. I heard it all in the ‘Hello’, and ‘friends. Those words were like tsunamis that pounded against us, like solid things. Always listen to the last word in the sentence a grieving person says. They make it sound like a question. Hello..? Why..? True..? Untrue..?

I remember that night.

I remember Elena's face. I remember how red it was. How impassive her face, yet how her eyes glittered feverishly and brightly in it. She was beautiful.

We greeted the mother. “Yes, auntie. We were Mark’s friends from school.” Mark, Mark, Mark.

I remember the questions she asked us. I remember what she told us. “How long have you all known Mark?”, “Which school were you all in together?”, “Did you know him well?” All the while, that voice. She wanted to know her son. She wanted to understand. She wanted to know why. She looked at each of us in turn. I knew her mind, even if she didn’t. she was waiting for someone, one of us, anyone, to tell her that this was all untrue. That Mark was still here. That her son was still alive. No one did. She didn’t cry throughout our conversation.

We were introduced to his father. He looked tired and sad. He didn’t speak, except to say ‘hello’.

He brought us to the coffin.

Mark was inside. He looked the same, yet different. So pale. They had styled his hair the same way, but I remember it used to be highlighted with blond streaks. His hair was black now, very black. His face was pale, and he wore a light blue shits with a dark bluish black jacket. He looked a little bloated, but other than that, the same. He didn’t really look dead. He looked asleep. Lying there so peacefully. I didn’t bother to fool myself. I didn’t question why. As the four of us stood there, Elena and the other girl began to son loudly. The only guy looked a little bright eyed, and suitably distressed. I didn’t feel sad. I felt no wrenching of my heart, no tears welling up, no grief, no noth. No Mark. Mark, Mark, Mark. It will not stop haunting me.

Why did I not feel a twinge of grief? Was I as hard as they said? A real frost maiden? A heartless, cruel woman. Was that me? I stared at his face, while they cried. For almost five minutes they cried, and stood there. I felt nothing. Perhaps a little embarrassment that I was the only who did not seem affected by all this. They must think I am some kind of harlot from hell.

Finally, we went to sit down at one of the tables. His aunt served us some refreshments and tidbits. I looked at the food, and took up my chopsticks. Had a fried dumpling. I remember that I heard somewhere that mourning was hungry work. The rest just sat and looked properly sad. They seemed to think that it was a shocking thing that I could even eat anything. I was restless. I wanted to talk to him. I had dressed up just for him.

Finally I stood up. They glanced at me, but I said nothing. I went inside the house to stand beside him, beside his coffin. Clasping my hands in front of me, I stared at him and tried to speak. So much I wanted to say, needed to know. Did he know about my feelings for him? Did he ever feel anything for me? So much that I would never find out now. I stood beside him, stared at his pale face, opened my mouth. Then closed it. Once more, I tried.

“Mark.” I said his name. My mouth was dry. A desert in the middle of an ocean of tears. “Mark.”

I could not continue. I could not begin. I did not know how. My mouth had been taken over by a demon fro hell. I could not speak, my mind was a ringing buzz of silence.

I stood there, failing in my last purpose, failing in the last thing I had promised myself I must do for him, for me.

I did not feel the tears at first, though they welled up and over. I summoned every ounce of strength, turned and hurried back to my place among the living. That was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Sat down at my seat. Elena looked at me, I looked at her.

I felt the tears.

“I couldn’t say a thing.” A trickle. She continued to look at me.
“I tried so hard but I couldn’t say anything to him, Elena!” The dam broke.

She hugged me to her, and we cried. I cried great sobbing gasps, tidal waves that flooded my soul and threatened to overwhelm my very being. She wept silent tears, shining pearls that flowed down her cheeks and mingled with mine.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and that's how the story goes.

Friendships are a gift.
Treasure it no matter what happens in between.
Always remember that friends are always forgiven no matter what they've done.

xx 231st xx

2007-06-29T01:35:00.000+08:00

i heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah...

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah...

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

Heavenly Father Lord,

As We pray to you today ,Please let us have a miracle on Andrew.
Heal him and guide him along the way back to his loved ones.
Your son needs the healing.
Please let him be awake again, everyone is hurting so much deep inside.
Let everyone praying for him have the strength to look after him.
For all the good deeds spreading your word Lord, bless him with the strength to overcome all fears and pain.
Let him be whole again.
We give thanks to You, Father.

In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen.

xx 230th xx

2007-06-27T14:21:00.000+08:00

Never will u heard me say i like "Die Hard", but after going for the charity gala last night at The Cathay, premiere for "Die Hard 4.0". It totally blew me away! Was so good! Totally action-packed and not a bore at all!

SO COOL!

I'm struggling with my PR Campaign Analysis. -.-
School rocks my head off..

xx 229th xx

2007-06-24T23:31:00.001+08:00

I LOVE NEW SHOES!
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE VERY HIGH AND CHEAP!
4" BABY!!!

HEHEHE

(:

I <3 YOU!

xx 228th xx

2007-06-14T09:24:00.000+08:00

ppl, go see this video.
so cute!

and Happy 24th Birthday to you, Young.

xx 227th xx

2007-06-13T13:51:00.000+08:00

Four o’clock in the morning
My mind’s filled with a thousand thoughts of you
How you left me without a warning
But looking back I’m sure you tried to talk it through

Now I say it so clearly
We have been together but living separate lives

So, I wanna tell you I’m sorry
Baby, I can’t find the words
But, if I could
Than you know I would, yeahhhhhh

NO i wont let go
know why we can be
I wont watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind

You carried me like a river
How far we have come still surprises me

Now, I look in the mirror (look in the mirror)
Staring back is a man I used to be with you
How I longed for you

No, I won’t let go
know why we can be
I wont watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind

Girl I’m sorry I was wrong
Couldn’t be there, should have been so strong
So, I’m sorry

Ohhhhhhh
No, I won’t let go
know why we can be
I wont watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind (on my mind)

I wont watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind
On my mind (on my mind)

xx 226th xx

2007-06-08T00:49:00.000+08:00

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

so true. every single word speaks for me.

xx 225th xx

2007-06-07T10:36:00.000+08:00

seriously, sch suck big time.

THE FOLLOWING CONTENT HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO STUPID MISUNDERSTANDING!

and yes, enough of self-amused entertainment. It has really fun.

Ian and Gemma are leaving back to London on Friday. Its been really fun with them around. I'll see you guys when i head over to London yeah?

Steph's back from London too. Gonna have so many clubbing nights with her.

Yipee! I love my friends!

xx 224th xx

2007-05-29T19:07:00.000+08:00

OK! i know.. its been awhile...
This is long overdue..

Life's been a twirl..
School started, and business is not picking up like before.
I have freaking classes on Thursday and this SUCKS big time.

I've come to realise that i'm no longer the very socialable person ppl used to know.
I cant open up anymore.

My brain's a blank now.

I'm glad you're back in my life. Please dont leave again.

xx 223th x

2007-03-26T16:09:00.000+08:00

i'm blogging in a cab! rock on to the Vondafone USB Modem! yippee! so happy!

=D

i know i haven been blogging for the yr so far. please understand! will update later.
the cab is way to jerky for me to update anything.

i feel sick! the driver keeps on honking every 2 mins, annoys the fucking shit out of me.
-.-

well guys , I AM BACK!

xx 222nd xx

2007-02-05T18:56:00.000+08:00

its hard to let go
i've tried so hard
i guess its really time to.
if its mine, it'll be back.

xx 221st xx

2007-01-17T20:56:00.000+08:00

heading mambo soon. and feeling very emotional.

dunno wat's wrong with me.

have been listening to these 2 songs almost the entire day.

Song: Voices that care

Written By:
D. Foster, L. Thompson, P. Cetera
Duet With:
Various Artists

Lyrics:
Lonely fear lights up the sky
Can't help but wonder why
You're so far away
There you had to take a stand
In someone else's land
Life can be so strange
I wish we never had to choose
To either win or lose
That we could find a way (we could find a way)
But I won't turn my back again (turn my back again)
Your honor I'll defend
So hurry home and till then

Stand tall, stand proud
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright

I'm not here to justify the cause
Or to count all the loss
That's all been done before
I just can't let you feel alone
When there's so much love at home
We're sending out to you
All the courage that you've known
The bravery you've shown
Clearly lights the way
We pray to make the future bright
To make the wrong things right
Right or wrong, we're all praying you remain strong
That's why we're all here and singing along

Stand tall, stand proud
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight
Know in your heart how our love burns bright
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright
You are the voice
You are the light
Stand tall, stand proud
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight,
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright
Stand tall, stand proud
Voices that care are crying out loud
And when you close your eyes tonight
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright
You are the voiceAnd the guiding light
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

S Club 7 - Say goodbye
This song has made me cry so many times

In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared
In the years to come
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regrets
Nothing lasts forever though we want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

(chorus)
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts
is the only way now for you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Cause true love never dies
In a year from now
Maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'll never said
In a year from now
Maybe we'll see each other, standing on the same street corner though it rains
Each and every end is always written in the stars
If only i could stop the World i'd make this last

(chorus)
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you
and meAnd its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Cause true love never dies
And when you need my arms to run into
I'll come for you
Nothing will ever change the way i feel

(chorus)
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
And its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
Because a true love never dies

xx 220th xx

2006-12-28T20:29:00.000+08:00

3 days after Christmas, i still feel like crap
i dunno what is wrong with me but i was chirpy right before xmas started
when it straight struck xmas eve, i was all moody and grumpy.
i dont know what got over me and i really dun intend to find out

Xmas was great and fun but i was just not myself.

i locked myself up and blamed everything that could be blamed back to myself even when it doesnt make any sense.

3 more nights to 2007
I hope everything will change for me the way things were this year
This year has not been at all very smooth for me especially the last few days
Pardon me but this year is very fucked up, super.

URGH! I feel like stabbing myself in the eye! *POKES*

xx 219th xx

2006-12-20T10:06:00.000+08:00

I Live: to be happy. :)
I Work: to buy gifts!
I Talk: too much
I Wish: for the impossible.
I Enjoy: watching US series
I Look: silly
I Will Find: a way to make people happy
I Smell: cigarette smell ( my boss floods the whole office up)
I Listen: everytime
I Pray: sometimes, only sometimes.
I Walk: like its never ending
I Write: like a kid
I See: and I will get
I Sing: very rarely
I Laugh: at silly things
I Watch: series on my laptop everynight
I Dream: all day, all night.
I Want: everything that I want.
I Cry: when it hurts.
I Read: blogs and silly books.
I Love: my loves
I Sometimes: hurt people around me
I Fear: changes in people
I Hope: everyone is happy
I Quit: being around
I Bathe: very fast
I Drink: 4 1.5bottles of water today
I Shave: not. waxed! OUCH!
I Hug: everyone.
I Play: all the time. HEH.
I Miss: you.
I Hold: you dear to me.
I Forgive: more than others think I do.
I Drive: and stopped
I Have: tonnes of work that is sitting on my table now
I Don't: have a clue at times.
I Made: myself hurt inside
I Wait: for my xmas presents to arrive
I Need: more doughs!
I Owe: myself lots of things
I Feel: cold. damn the rain
I Wonder: what if things are different

xx 218th xx

2006-12-18T17:30:00.000+08:00

yeah!
xmas shopping is almost done!

cant wait for xmas to come.

for so long, i haven felt the spirit of christmas around, this year seems different and i'm feeling it.

boo and i had pampered ourselves with a white PSP each =D
oh so pretty!

but when my cc bill comes, i'm in so deep a trouble.

but its okay!

i dont mind! HEHE!

xx 217th xx

2006-12-12T14:23:00.000+08:00

been so sick past 2 weeks and super stressful
-.-

anyway, xmas present has purchased for all.

i've been in a very stressful and bad mood

xx 216th xx

2006-11-24T17:17:00.000+08:00

i feel like shit!

-.- gaaa!

my nose has been going on non-stop for the last 12 hours

my nose is broken!

urgh! i feel like shit still!

xx 215th xx

2006-11-17T10:39:00.000+08:00

its amazing how people affects one life.

on my way to work this morning, and it hit me.
i do miss michael.... alot.

thinking of what will he be like in the present

death is so unpredictable

xx 214th xx

2006-11-03T17:46:00.000+08:00

=D

so tired yet so happy.

i love shopping online!

=D

every girls' bad habit!

:(

xx 213th xx

2006-10-26T20:15:00.000+08:00

OH YEA!
CSI BABYYY!!
my package was sent to me yesterday!!

SWEETT!!

xx 212th xx

2006-10-20T13:46:00.000+08:00

JOHN TERRY IS HAWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT IN KEEPER'S JERSEY!
WHY IS HE IN CHELSEA!!!

xx 211th xx

2006-10-18T09:33:00.000+08:00

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home.

xx 210th xx

2006-10-06T03:45:00.000+08:00

been awhile now.
just looking around and realise how ppl around have changed so much?
be it closer or drifted
i was just going thru michelle's blog, who happens to turn 21 today(which again happy birthday babe!)and realise how closely bonded she is with the rest of the 4B dudes. My class, -pinkmist-, no where to be found unless bumped into on streets.

my friends, many of them disappears from our circle and next thing we know, they're different.

It hurts, doesnt it to see a friend but cant seem to relate anything to him/her.

SO NEAR YET SO FAR

They are so damn right abt this phrase, they are 1 ft away from you, yet everything is so distant.

I was walking on the bench with my friend.
Talking, laughing about ourselves.
As we walked, we kept quiet
not because there wasnt anything else to talk about
But appreciating each other's company and hearing each other's breathing.
God's gift to us.
Was treasuring the moment
We walked on and on and on...
Suddenly i felt that i was drifting away.

The drumming rolls were so loud.
And annoying the shit out of me.

So I woke up and off my alarm.
And i thought to myself.

'I'll be avoiding the beach from now on'

*my old samsung e800c's alarm ringer (more like a marching band)annoys the shit out of my bf and i, makes us jump of the bed each morning *

xx 209th xx

2006-09-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

these photos are abit belated!

my 21st birthday!

boy n me

joe n jo!

head clashed with daph

and its pretty daphy again

my cake

happy 21st birthday to me!

ah boo lighting the candles

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEE

=D

me n ah boo

me n jas

me n jermjerm

me crix n mariane

nicole baby n me

nigel, kat and mee

muahchee, skelan n me

my group photo ( crix, mariane, alan, rach, me, jasmine, nic, kat, nigel, ah boo and jermjerm!

ben, cherie and ah boos

a snap

nic, me, jasmine, nigel and kat

skelan and muah chee

monkey pillow from crix

15 sticks of mentos from nigel

GUESS watch from pal

a fluffy monkey from rach n alan

and everything together!

a satisfied night!

xx 208th xx

2006-08-13T21:18:00.000+08:00

the boo's 24th Birthday Celebration.

This yr, a small celebrations. Dinner with a couple of friends.The photos are without Rachel (who came much later) and Mama(who was sick)

that 4 photos.

The cake was baked by me!

xx 206th xx

2006-08-13T15:32:00.000+08:00

we had a blasting time in thailand.
6 of us, never a quiet moment!

the photos will be right up!
(p.s some photos might have been repeated)

Welcome to Thailand!

Up next Pattaya!

Our 2nd Yr Anniversary

Night at Ripley's Believe it anot's Musuem

Bangkok, mostly our presidential Suite

and boo's family friend who hosted us at her hotel with a generous huge suite and all the fun we ever imagined!

here's a video. DO NOT tilt your head.

We have tons of fun and laughters.
Thank you for all the fun!

xx 207th xx

2006-08-07T15:35:00.000+08:00

life is so amazing yet sometimes its just gone like that

received a news this morning abt an old friend that passed away yesterday due to a mishap at home.

that isnt the most pleasant thing to hear the first thing you wake up one morning.

though we were not good terms but were friends, but he has always strikes as a guy who's tough and big all. but deep down he's a nice guy. Though i haven contacted that group of friends for a long time now, haven seen or heard from any of them.

usually gathering for a long time group is meant to be a joyous occasion, but tonight is a wake of a friend, Angelo.

Angelo, May you find peace and happiness wherever you are.

Rest in peace on 6 August 2006.

xx 205th xx

2006-07-18T11:35:00.000+08:00

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know there's
Just no getting over you
You know I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see there's nothing else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's no where to hide
Since you pushed my heart aside
I'm outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying fool forget him
My heart is saying don't let go
Hold on to the end that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's no where to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm outta my head hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

__________________________________________________

this song has been stuck in my head since i watched it again the other day.

xx 204th xx

2006-07-17T10:04:00.000+08:00

The Diligent Ox

Ox people are hard-working and persistent, they can stick at a task longer and go at it harder than anybody.

They believe in themselves and tend to classify almost everything into two basic categories, bad and good. They hold up their high standards as a model and severely judge those who don't aspire to maintain these same ideals.

Ox people are not social or party animals, they tend to be quiet when in a party. Although appears to be tranquil, in fact, Oxens are ponderous but impulsive when angry. They are capable of fearsome rages, therefore, it is better not to cross an Oxen.
Ox people are observant, they have remarkable memories and are good at reporting on absolutely everything they observe. Go ask an Oxen if he remembers who were at the party 8 months ago, most likely, he will name them one by one to you.
In the home, the Ox is a great guy to have around. In business, the OX can succeed in the arts, a contracting business, or an estate., thanks to their creative nature. And since an Ox is intelligent and good at his hands, he can be a good surgeon as well.

Ox people are stubborn and dogmatic, they believe in their decision and will never regret. They are also very close to their families. disappointedly, Oxens often find that those who are close to them fail to understand them. Nevertheless, they are patient, and caring and that makes the Oxen the best friend you can ever have.

Oxens are very responsible and loyal. Ox people are seldom jealous. But they will be jealous of their rights; and the fidelity of a husband or a wife is one of their rights. They are very family-oriented, conservative and faithful.

Compatibility

(1 - least compatible, 100 - most compatible)

Rat 88 - A stable and steady relationship
Ox 72 - Conservative! Mutually protect &provide
Tiger 33 - Almost impossible to make it work.
Rabbit 72 - This could work.
Dragon 52 - Don't, two of you will fight constantly.
Snake 85 - This union can be a good one.
Horse 37 - Unfortunately, they are part.
Goat 56 - Probably not.
Monkey 81 - Nice. They are compatible and stable.
Rooster 86 - You are lucky enough to find each other.
Dog 62 - Difficult, but possible.
Pig 69 - why not, it worths a try.

xx 204th xx

2006-07-14T18:36:00.000+08:00

before 14th July comes to an end,

i would like to say

Happy 23rd Birthday Michael

its been 5 years since you were last with us.

i missed you.

xx 202nd xx

2006-07-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

i've got the flu again.

-.-

highest temp: 39.8
i swore i felt like dying on sat night.
sunday headed to the doctor, could barely walked or talk.

i nearly died.
damn the flu.
its around again.
everytime, this period it never fails to get me.
but why this time.
i'm all happy preparing to go for my hols next week!

Nooooo!
anyhoo, i'm so much better now.
thank you!!
at least i can joke now.

xx 201st xx

2006-07-06T18:23:00.000+08:00

Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time
I'm down I'm down on my knees I'm begging for all your sympathy
But you (I'm just an illusion) you don't seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don't mean to hurt you)
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
So wait for me this time
I should've know better
I shouldn't have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away
Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time

*From the Uptown Girls Soundtrack
*Time By Chantal Kreviazuk

xx 200th xx

2006-07-03T10:09:00.000+08:00

Welcome the 200th post of this blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*throws confettis*
been so long huh!
okay.

my point back is ----

FCUK YOU BRAZIL!

i praised u on my last post and you screwed up!
but its alright! you still have my love!

C. Ronaldo has interest for Real Madrid!
i like you! but now u suck! Suckalo!

wondering what i'm in such a irritated, pissed off mood.
blame the hole that's bleeding! (PERIOD, damn it)
But i'm glad its here now than during the trip.

17 more days! i cant wait!
*screams and screams like a total bimbo*
i seriously seriously seriously cannot wait.

on the unrelevent,
what would you do if you knew you'll dying tml?

xx 199th xx

2006-06-28T08:57:00.000+08:00

3 more weeks!
i cant wait!

pattaya + bangkok! = 20th July.

and counting down to the 2nd year.

How fast time files.
its pretty scary!
23 months.

honestly, it scares me.
=how would happened after all these?
oh well.

alan,rach,crix,mariane,jason and myself = we're gonna have a blast of fun and laughters when we're aboard!

the worldcup fever is on... its quite irritating cos everyone gets so little sleep!
i'm so proud to say that brazil is playing fucking well again!

basically i catches the game IF the next day, i have nothing much to do or else, erm........ weekend.

scary movie is fucking stupid.
i feel stupid after watching it!
seriously..

xx 198th xx

2006-06-13T11:06:00.000+08:00

it was a all expenses paid shopping trip to forever 21!
5 tops, 1 belt/scarf - $200
it was rocking my world!!

i cant wait till july 20th!
i'm so excited!!
=D

bangkok, pattaya!
here i come.

nowadays the words have became more private, they refused to agree with my thoughts and hence less blogging. only nonsense

will be back.
=)

xx 197th xx

2006-06-03T10:01:00.000+08:00

its been awhile.

mind my nonsense.
something just hit me like a lightning!

what is love, relationships?

i look at some of my friends, they argue at the slightest thing and wants to break up.
den i look at my own life, so-so only.

and i look at another new couple, and looked at my own again

why are every couple so different?
some fight over the slightest things. some make-out all the time.
some aruge over stupid issues.

who knows exactly what is love?
the true meaning..
who really know what it means?

21 years, i truly do not know.

and honestly,

i have not a single clue what this post means.

xx 196th xx

2006-05-25T14:33:00.000+08:00

haven been blogging lately.

lots of photos

attended a friend's wedding. (but no photos!)

basically, life's been the same
cept that i miss my GE colleagues badly!

:(

photos will be up soon k?
when i'm done editting and stuff

xx 195th xx

2006-05-11T10:31:00.000+08:00

11th may marks the last day in GEL.

Its indeed been a joy working here.

the colleagues. the other GMRS. the PAs.

its rather fun. (basically cos u get to waste time)

i'll miss it there.

there 9.30 to 5.30 time.

the 12.30 to 1.30 time

times like now that i'm falling asleep.

with my eyes semi closing, trying damn hard to keep it up.

xx 194th xx

2006-05-10T09:19:00.000+08:00

another 36 hours more b4 i leave this place

i hate this feeling.

the moment u surrender the letter, u suddenly feel so attached to the place

urgh.

dunno wad's wrong with me lately.
falling down, getting bruises all over, turning stupid

i hate wait for july!
bangkok n pattaya!
yippee!
that's one thing i'm looking forward to. a proper holiday (cept the fact rachel will drive us nuts!)

i want to change phone!
maybe tonight!!
:(
i really want to.

xx 193th xx

2006-05-08T09:54:00.000+08:00

its been another long week!

another 3 more days and i bid farewell to this dead place.

i'll miss everything.

the blur monitor i'm staring at. the PAs of other GMRs, the lunches, the agents and cutie hunks ( not that there's much to see)

soon i'll be living in a total surreal world.

getting busy like a mad monkey.

soon everything will change. good or bad. i'm not sure
but they will.
they always do.
this sucks.

(its 10am, in the office and i'm yawning away.)

xx 191st xx

2006-04-28T11:00:00.000+08:00

i've been so lack of sleep.

i practically looked like a walking zombie.

so many things that happened this few days that i can hardly have the time to breathe. it annoys me.

I AM IRRITATED.

there. i said it!
actually i dunno why i'm irritated.
i have to race with my brain and its draining me..
this suck and so does my brain.

i should get my pay today but money's gonna be in on tuesday.
stupid holiday!
-.-

pardon me.
i think i'm going mad

xx 192th xx

2006-04-26T13:48:00.000+08:00

oh ya.

happy 21st birthday to my bestie!

hope u have a blast of time this yr!

love u!

xx 190th xx

2006-04-25T17:36:00.000+08:00

WE just passed our 21st mth anniversary.

on the bus on the way home from suntec.

sun was sentosa day.

the same few of us.
laughing. joking
that is the simplicity of the friendships.

i adore them. and thank you for being in my life.

on the bus yesterday, there was this old lady with her husband in front of me.

they were playing with each other. he was stroking her hair and laughing at her.
it was sweet.
that is life.
simple.

it would be a lie if i said my life was simple.

* opps. i look a wee bit hideous.

xx 189th xx

2006-04-21T23:06:00.000+08:00

so please, tell me which is nicer! i want to own my first 2 pairs of papillio! =D

xx 188th xx

2006-04-21T16:53:00.000+08:00

finally.

i've handed in the golden letter.

next week onward, i'll be handling interviews and reference.

part of me cant wait
but the other part tells me that i'll miss this place.

all the msn bitchings, the agency gather around my room and talk

everything about Great Eastern.

xx 186th xx

2006-04-20T19:05:00.000+08:00

i am gleeing with delight!

why is that so?

no. i'm not getting married or pregnant!

haha!

the reason. i'll tell when the time is ripe! *and u know i would!

LOLLOL

it is so fun!

xx 185th xx

2006-04-20T15:11:00.000+08:00

a another week is coming to its end!

thursday then fri den the 21st mth anniversary

a pity both of us are pretty busy with the days' work

time files, doesnt it.

and the next thing i know, i'll be leaving this place too to another one that's double its challenges here.

gosh
i'm sleeping and meeting hasnt even started.

0.0

a few pictures taken during the Good Friday weekend.

our forest! =D

the scenary of the beautiful sky after a big rain

waiting for the KING ALAN to arrive

that's all folks for now.
digicam not with me

very tired of running around.

-.-

xx 183rd xx

2006-04-19T14:37:00.000+08:00

been a weekend.

haven had the time to upload the pictures.

if u realise, there's a voting button by the lower left side of the page

do vote ya?

thankie!
=D

i'm so happy to annouce i'm changing career.
i cannot take the work there.
life here is so dead
-.-
i cannot take it.
i need challenges to face in my jobs and not daily routines to kill me!

that states it all.

xx 183th xx

2006-04-15T13:34:00.000+08:00

i nearly died this morning

my vision blurred and was gone again

this is getting bad.

that's not important at the moment.

i just changed my phone hmmm.. i think 3 weeks back

and i'm so happy i'm changing phone again!!

=D

nokia 3250. here i come!

okie fine!
the main reason is
i CANNOT STAND THE V3X!

it goes up my nerves, seriously.

okie!
xoxo
i'm feeling a little shitty.

will be back tonight with cam-whoring pictures!

xx 182nd xx

2006-04-13T12:08:00.000+08:00

reading my cousin's blog.
i realised how much i missed my late grandpa

i miss it when he screams

i miss it when he nods his head when he listens to the chinese news (we always wonder if he understood)

i miss it when he buys crabs home from all the way from chinatown.

i miss it when he brings me along to bring my cousin from PAP (that was donkeyyy years ago. this boy now is 17)

i miss it when he waits with us for the sch bus

i miss it when he laughs, u can see the toothless smile cept one tooth which is in the top centre

i miss it when he rushed to sch all the way from upper east coast to tampines just to bring me my allowance or fetch me when i miss my bus

i miss it when he smokes, he goes out to the parking poach and look around

i miss it when he climbs our mango tree

i miss it when he screams at us

i miss it when he buys breakfast every morning when we've having our holidays

i missed it when it was too late

i regret not visiting much during the last few years of his life

i regret not being the good grand daughter

i regret not being able to bring them around

i'm sorry ah gong.

its been 3 years now.

and we're still missing you.

now we know u're good cos grandma has joined you.

xx 181st xx

2006-04-13T10:16:00.000+08:00

having to hear such a saddening news after a long night isnt the best thing
but well..
life is short.
live it to its fullest

was talking to a good friend on the phone last night b4 mambo
its been so long since we last caught up babe!
i missed u!
i told her the problems i'm surfacing
she's stunned
i should have known
but oh well.

things hasnt been the best of the worlds
but i'm learning to live it well
taking each day as they come
taking the moments as they arrive
and taking the heart as we go

i'm no longer a superwoman.
maybe i never was.

xx 180th xx

2006-04-08T18:36:00.000+08:00

when u are stuck in a dilemma?
what would u do?

one who is a platonic friend BUT he doesnt think likewise,
and one who is ur boyfriend who's been hurting u emotionally?

i know my choice.
i've picked
but

now. all i want is happiness.
true happiness.

i've been asking myself, is this right?

i'm running out of time.
aint got much choice.

but i know i can make him happy.

xx 179th xx

2006-04-08T14:38:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since i REALLY blogged.

everything has more or less settled down.

i'm at least starting to see the sky after being casted for over 2 months.

i'm reading a blog just now and i was smiling ear to ear cause was everything good to know.

dont u just love it when someone writes nice things abt u?

even though u cant write anything back but u know it just feels sweet.

but though its super superficial, but still sweet la.

okay. i'm a sucker for sweet nothings, thats why i'm always getting into unneccessary trouble.

sweet words just makes my day.

i want to hear more sweet nothings from someone else!

xx 178th xx

2006-04-02T20:52:00.000+08:00

its been another terrible weekend.
but this time its far worst.

-dirty linens shall not be displayed-

but i'm glad everything's better now.

i believe in miracles.

i believe in hope

i believe in love.

i believe in u

my body is not getting any better.
the condition has turn for a worst.
but i'm still surviving.

i know i can pull through this period.

thank you everyone for helping go thru this period.

xx 177th xx

2006-03-20T13:43:00.000+08:00

its been a hell of a weekend.
lots of things happened.
=but everything is fine now...

qing, sorry couldnt make it to ur hatchday's chalet.. was really not feeling well.
so sorry! hope u enjoyed urself and have a great life ahead!

=D

i'll be alone in the office these 2 days.
gosh.
so boring.
i'm falling asleep already
zzzz
ppl in my headoffice doesnt seem to be in the office at all! calling them since like 9am but no one picks up.
its getting on my nerve cos each time i'm looking for them.. its damn urgent!

i cannot stand the stupid woman who cleans my offices
so god damn rude
and she doesnt understand the meaning of NO and WAIT.
she pushes her cart right in front of my door when i'm walking in.
how the fuck does she expect me to walk in?
she can still say sorry ah.. u wait. when my phone which is on max ringing volumes rings sooo loud that when someone's at my main door. they can hear it.
she clears everythng without asking.
and she throws things away without askng.
they were not lying around. was in a stack bundled up with rubber bands.
gosh. how can someone be so stupid.
she doesnt ask if we want to vaccum the room.
when i'm not in my room, she comes into my room without anyone's consent and stares at my laptop.
and apparently, i'm not the only one complaining abt her.
=D

ah.. feels much better.

xx 175th xx

2006-03-17T19:14:00.000+08:00

i'm so happy!
i've got my new baby!
2 in fact!
=D

my motorola v3x!
i so want to give u a big fat sloppy wet kiss again!
(its not from jason)

xx 175th xx

2006-03-16T11:01:00.000+08:00

the weeks been passing so fast that i can hardly catch my breath.
i've been in a twirl of life.
work's been shitty.
been giving myself too much pressure that my body can no longer take it.
at this moment, my head is spinning.
and the people i'm urgently needing to contact does not seem to reply at all.
this suck.
urgh.
turmoil.
i just merely want to make myself happy.
i need a break.
maybe a never-ending break from all these that are happening now.
i would not call it a break.
maybe an end would be nicer.

xx 174th xx

2006-03-09T13:18:00.000+08:00

recently my life's been a mess
everything is not going smoothly for me
u might think its just some common problems we face everyday.
not really..
and yes it sucks big time

but going through a major setback last week made me realised something.
we cant make ourselves happy. doesnt matter how rich u are or how good-looking u are.
how easy ur life is, u're not gonna be happy. cos with urself, u do not know wad is happiness and success. all these comes from ur loved ones.
its them who can bring happiness into ur life.

a simple hug/ a simple conversations from someone makes u feel better and happier.

i know.
cos i've experienced it already.
i now know the true meaning of life and happiness
but its not gonna be for long.

xx 173th xx

2006-02-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

its been another week..
came and gone.
been so busy. preparing seminar infos, doing up car insurance.
trying to hit a quota of 300 before june
gosh
anyone? any car renewal nearby? i do for u!
=(
being in this business is so not fun.
stressed out, working hours too flexible.
sometimes 12am, i'm still working.

but at least i got colleagues who acc me thru.
hangs outs after work, relaxing. at least i have one to look out for me in the office.

thank you~~!!

xx 172nd xx

2006-02-14T14:13:00.000+08:00

actually i didnt start work on the 8th..
i started on the 7th..
my boss smsed me at 8am to ask if i could work that day. since i was already woken up by the msg, might as well.
reached office at 930

and here am i now.. 1 week into the job.
great job. good pay
and i've got my own privacy.
my own office room!

=D

happy vdae to all!

xx 171st xx

2006-02-07T02:11:00.000+08:00

yeah! got a job!
starts on wed!
high-paying actually
so its good!
=D

xx 170th xx

2006-02-03T17:39:00.000+08:00

its been hell of a week.
there wasnt much of chinese new yr festive in my family.
Condolences to my family to the demise of our beloved grandmother.

Her life has been great.
4 generations.
a big family.
great-grandkids who loves her.
grandchildrens who loves her.
childrens who loves her.
her siblings and their families who loves her.
at least now we know she has her company in heaven.
Together with my grandfather in eternal life.

She had planned everything nicely for the family.
She has blessed us all.

xx 169th xx

2006-01-24T03:27:00.000+08:00

changed my skin.
when i get my laptop back, i'll do all the editting.
i'm too lazy to think now.

xx 168th xx

2006-01-03T15:39:00.000+08:00

my new yr resolutions.

Jan: stop arguing as much.

Feb: have a beautiful vdae

(march till june, i haven thought abt it)

july: 2nd yr anniversary

Aug: 24th bdae for my boo

(sept to nov too)

dec: able to go for holiday ourselves

its all simple. sounds easy but determinations gotta do it.
will u do it with me?

xx 167th xx

2006-01-03T14:43:00.000+08:00

2006 has had the worst starts of all the years.

in midst of arguement at the seconds of ending 2005 and starting of 06 till to date.

it is soo not fun.

i really hope u can understand my plight. my pain. my tears.

but i think u don't

i've given tons of chances.

but u took advantage of it.

so much till i'm immuned.

i just want everything simple.

if u havent kept things from the beginning,nothing would have happened

xx 166th xx

2005-12-16T04:16:00.000+08:00

now i know how much a person can be trusted.

and i know how much someone trust

he doesnt know me.

be glad.

many things within that he doesnt know..

many things that certain ppl in the world knows and that least expects.

and he doesnt

xx 164th xx

2005-11-28T01:08:00.000+08:00

was reading xx's latest entry.

i've sooo many things i wanna reply to..

firstly, she gets bounced out of members cos she wants to bring in 2 friends into members.
OBVIOUSLY..
who is she to zouk ? just a mere member by luck, and nothing big shot abt.
whether her friends are chio are none of anyone's business but themselves.
the bouncers has their job to do..
she's no VIP.
what rights that she have?
if the bouncers get suspended cos he did not do his job properly, is she gonna pay him his wages?
THE WHOLE POINT OF MEMBERS is to let ppl have space of privacy and NOT meant for COOL PEOPLE TO KNOW COOL PEOPLE!

fuck la.. what is wrong with her?

her comments are just fucking nonsense lor..

the guy whom she was interested in.
everyone knows WHY he didnt even take notice of her.
it was BECAUSE he was just being friendly.
and he likes ur friend.
simple as that.
if every guy she tend to have interest in does it to her,
that she'll be very used to it by now
why complain?
blame herself for not doing the first move.
u want the guy, u get it.

guys are not self-centered,
it is because there are girls that her,
that's why guys become like that.

xx 164th xx

2005-11-20T05:26:00.000+08:00

i've watched Harry Potter: Goblet of fire..
IT SUCKED!
its sooooo not HP!
damn it!
could i say that the poster conned me!
but i sooo love the poster!
they all looked sooo good!
hermione's SOOO HOT!

maybe due to the fact that i haven read the book yet...

these past week, i've come across 2 VERY irresponsible ppl..
1, a bloody fucker-bastard.
and the other one, a dog owner.

shant talk abt the first one.
the dog owner is the MOST irresponsible owner i've ever seen.
lazy to walk the dog cos u're drunk.
wad fuck reason is that?
walk ur dog, complain so much.
fucking think abt the ones who walks the dog every day for hours
talk abt responsiblities.
my fucking shit!
the dog pees around the house when no one's around and he's fucking oblivious to it
wad kinda fucking owner are u?
after scolding the dog, she pees again
and now he walks past it without even noticing!
WHAT THE HELL LOR
if u cant even take care of the dog urself, why the fuck u wanna adopt her for? and talking abt what fucking responsibities when u urself cant even do it!

the dog was badly punished for peeing around, in the wee hours at 5am around the house
and now she's sleeping sweetly..

and i'm waiting for my breakfast to come!
heehee!!
and i cant wait to start reading the book tml!

xx 162nd xx

2005-11-16T03:26:00.000+08:00

i've had a BLAST of a time with my new love, bebe

she was a stray. a kind hearted lady picked her up
and now 7 months later, we adopted her
she's SOOO playful!

we fell in love, looking at the pics.
now we've got her..
we LOVEEEEE HER!

xx 161st xx

2005-11-05T01:07:00.000+08:00

i've cut my hair!
shoulder length , and beautifully highlighted ones!

there are the pics!

goodbye longhair!

the sadness in seperating with it

the highlighting period

and the finals

xx 160th xx

2005-11-04T04:19:00.000+08:00

how did u feel at a point of time
when ur ex-bf said something so harsh it breaks ur heart
and noww u finds out that he's suffering the way u did in the past

he said he fucking hates u.
now. he's being hates and hates his 'gf'.
would u be happy?

now i'm feeling like shit actually
i feel sad for him
why does he has to go to this state?
wasnt he happy the way he was in the past
i'm sure he was happy when he was back then with my backstabbing- bitch 'best friend'
the worst regret of my life.
i wished i knew the future.
i wished i could change the facts
but it lingers in me now.

they still carries on hating me
but i dont really give a fuck abt it
cos i get to live life only once
and i believe i could get a guy SO MUCH better than he was.
he broke that fragile heart
it took sooo much pain to get it back together.

now seeing him getting a broken heart back in return.
i really wished to say 'this is the taste of ur own fucking medicine'
but deep down, i hope to tell him 'are u okay?'

i do not love him anymore.
but i treasure friendships more than anything in the world
i merely wanted a friend back and console. and he rejected it
that was to the extend the hatred went to.
even as a friend, i could not even be.

if u see this, u think ur patience is golden, wad abt mine?
so much to see u face to face and just say fuck u. but i cant bring myself to.
cos u're now in the same shoe as i was 5 yrs back.
so much hatred in me for both of u, but i know how much hatred can i bring myself to hate the 2 ppl i loved dearly.

haiya.
fuck u la.

xx 159th xx

2005-11-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

guys are somewhat jerks
i've been hurt thousand times.
but each time i grow stronger
cos i know what i see is pure surreal.
they promise a serious matter, how un-serious are they, they'll still get it done
i know.
that's the way i'm always being conned.
guys win us girls into their arms by
1. sweet nothings
2. lies
3. 'serious'ness
4. bullshits.

to me, nothing is that easy to get.
hard work is all that matters.
after taking so long to recover from the hurts i receive, nothing hurts more than previous.

i've got bfs who wants to sleep with my best friend
i've got bfs who cheats
i've got bfs who lies

xy, i love u and i NEVER wanna see u get hurt again.

xx 158th xx

2005-10-31T12:03:00.000+08:00

10 things i hate about you.
(abstracted from 'ten things i hate abt you'.mov)

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way
I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.

xx 157th xx

2005-10-28T19:18:00.000+08:00

From left: Allan Tay, Cat, Daniel, Qing, Xuan and Alan Chan
2nd Row: Zen, Mervin, Ken, Crix, Myself and Jason
Last Row: Elton and Marcus

this is the mambo family.
taken on 26th Oct, Zouk by the Jim Beam Girls!

xx 156th xx

2005-10-28T19:06:00.000+08:00

finally...
the end of all primary schools exams..
finally they see the light at the tunnel

tough kids.
but at least they gave me good results!
not bad.
the one i worry most is the oldest one.
stubborn like an ox, and always shedding croco tears.
hais.
makes my blood boil!
the stubborn cow.
oh weel, he doesnt do well, too bad on him..
wonder wad will his mom do.

and yeah!
my hair's gonna be colored next week!
cant wait!
cutting too!! WEEE!!
so excited!

xx 155th xx

2005-10-25T12:31:00.000+08:00

Here's the game.
Introduce 10 quirks or idiosyncrasies of yours on your blog, following which you are free to pick five more people to do the same thing.

1. I'm the most patient person u'll ever meet.. unless u meet me on a day that has gone wrong from me and i can be very pretentious too.

2. i'm straight forward. Cant take it, then too bad. don't like me, hit me then, and wait for my lawyer's letter. i play by threatens

3. CANNOT stand ppl with weird sense of dressing or think they're goddamn good-looking.

4. my room is the messiest thing u'll ever come across. no path to walk at all.

5. i beat the shit of out ppl in zouk. DOnt ever cross my path the fucking wrong way.

6. i aim to be a criminlogist in the police force and i'm half-way there.

7. i ALWAYS get to the wrong type of guys.

8. i live by the day and not think abt the future.

9. none of my clothes fit me anymore. u'll only see me in less than twenty types of clothings.

10. i cant stand girls that like to bug boys. if a guy asks u 'are u free' for like everyday, would u get irritated ? i would. but some guys LOVES the attention.

Pick five more people:
1. Jasmine
2. Jason
3. Huiqing
4. xuanie
5. michelle

xx 154th xx

2005-10-16T18:42:00.000+08:00

its been a while.
i'm good!!
=D
sorry girl, haven returned the discs yet..
on wed k ?
paiseh!

xx 153rd xx

2005-10-07T03:13:00.000+08:00

sorry for the slow update.
got back my phone
i've disappeared
i'll be damn busy
my brain cells were killed today after having nearly 9 hours of tuition, continuously to 4 kids in the same house.
i had a nice conversation with an old friend.
talked abt the past, current and future.
alot of sweet memories when i was young(not that i'm old now), those silly things i used to do
and yes, he's my ex.
(no worries, boo.. i wun throw u away)
and stupid smart me sent the wrong sms to the boy.
i wanted to thank the old friend for giving me a shorter night.
so smart right ?
like wad jase said, soon i'll really send wrong msg to him..
damn.
why am i so careless?
=this weekend will be hectic.
danny's chalet, my twins'(not mine)7th yr old bdae party
packing the boy's room for renovation work that starts on mon
and the primary school exams that are SUPER near the corner.
i feel so stressed out!
but i cant sleep
i'm mentally totally drained out
but i feel very awake.
that's the worst feeling u can get at fucking 0321am in the morning.
gosh.
my neck feels damn strained now.
boohoohoo.

yeah! my baby's gonna ORD in 12 days!

xx 152nd xx

2005-10-01T19:49:00.000+08:00

i feel paralysed now
i'm temporary phoneless and why ?
so smart, i unplug the charger and left the phone behind at the boy's place
SO SMART!
gonna be sooo dead for these few days

xx 151th xx

2005-09-30T03:41:00.000+08:00

caught STOMP on wed night.
it was AWESOME!
we were at the 10th row.
perfect view
but i kept yawning!
and i had breakfast in bed too!
=D
i love times like these!

xx 150th xx

2005-09-24T23:56:00.000+08:00

i had a msn conversation just now

MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
jo
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
JO
monmon lil says:
yes dan dan ?
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
aiyo
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
finally
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
nv visit me ah
monmon lil says:
visit u wher ?
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
HOS la
monmon lil says:
u sure i nvr ?
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
u got ah
monmon lil says:
got
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
how u know ?
MvP™ OnIzUdAnO is Ah DaN zI~~ says:
????
monmon lil says:
err
monmon lil says:
brb

if u all remembered, i posted up abt my good friend, gotten into a bike accident.. coma and all.
that's him
my replies 'err', 'brb' was cos i did not know what else to say.
msged yii straight away. she said be thankful he remembered us. it takes time.

i agree. it takes alot of time and courage to be able to face urself again. getting to know ur oldself and everything..we'll be thankful he remembers us.

xx 149th xx

2005-09-22T21:11:00.000+08:00

yesterdae marks the start of no-mamboing for the next 5 weeks.
renovations.
damn.

oh well, gives me MORE time to study!
=D
right.. that was a bloody excuse

had a great dinner last night, didnt we ?
medium rare steak. wild mushroom soup. garlic bread
and complementing with 'Sweet Temptation'

pictures will be up by tml!
i gotta do it myself cos i know the boy will be tooo lazy!

=D

today marks the 14th mth too.
how fast time flies!
i think u're amazing

xx 148th xx

2005-09-20T21:30:00.000+08:00

Ingredients
1 small whole black chicken, approx 500g
12 dried red dates (hoong cho), seeded
5g astragalus hengl (pak-kei)
15g Solomon's Seal, or polyconattum (Yuk chok)
20g dried longan flesh
20g Codonopsis root(Dang Shen)
20g Chinese wild yam, or dioscorea(Wai san)
1 litre hot water
1/2 tsp salt

Method
Clean chicken. Discard head, neck and legs then chop into average pieces.

Scald chicken in hot water for 2 to 3 minutes. Rinse and drain.

Rinse all the herbs briefly. Put chicken, herbs and hot water in a double-boiler. Cover the lid and double-boil for 2 to 3 hours. Add salt just before serving.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kor, nah.. ur recipe for Black Chinese Soup.

xx 147th xx

2005-09-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

AMAZING
George Michael

I was mixed up when you came to me
Too broke to fix
Said 'daddy get you gone, I'm missing my baby'
Still missing my baby

I was stitched up by the hands of fate
Said how you gonna make it on your own
If luck is a lady?
Maybe luck is a lady

I was going down for the third time
My heart was broken I was not open
To your suggestions
I had so many questions
That you just kissed away

Tell me, I guess that cupid was in disguise
The day you walked in and changed my life
I think it's amazing
The way that love can set you free

So I walk in the midday sun
I never thought that my saviour would come
I think it's amazing
I think it's amazing
I think you're amazing

You tried to save me from myself
Said 'Darling kiss as many as you want!
My love's still available
And I know that you are insatiable'

We're like victims of the same disease
Look at your Big Bad Daddy, and your mom
And your mom... was always acting crazy

I was going down for the third time
My heart was broken,
I thought that loving you was out of the question
Then I saw my reflection
Saying please don't let this go

Tell me, I guess that cupid was in disguise
The day you walked in changed my life
I think it's amazing
The way love can set you free

So now I walk in the midday sun
I never though that my saviour would come
I think it's amazing
I think you're amazing
Celebrate the love of the one you're with

Celebrate, this life with you baby
I think you should celebrate yeah
Don't put your love in chains baby
No, no, walk in the midday sun
I thought I was dreaming
I think it's amazing
I think you're amazing
I said celebrate the love of the one you're with

As this life gets colder
And the devil inside
tells you to give up

xx 146th xx

2005-09-19T23:31:00.000+08:00

totally pissed off..
i screamed off my head on the 11th floor.
my auntie is a BITCH!
she's back to haunt me.
fcuking bitch!
cant i have my own fucking life?
why does she have to do it?
nobody controls me.
and i mean NOBODY.

who the fuck she thinks she is.
bitch is too light a word for her.
damn it.
i see fumes coming out of my head

xx 145th xx

2005-09-12T05:54:00.000+08:00

i wanna go on a trip!

baby, let's go!

xx 144th xx

2005-09-09T15:22:00.000+08:00

my friend's over watching porn.(just a wide guess)
totally have no interest.

too bored.
haven ate since wed's dinner..
and i dun feel hungry too.
weird
my system seems to be crashing.
duno wad is wrong also
cannot exercise and do vigourous ones.
the doc said
dammit
den wad can i do?

was reading many unknown blogs just now
mrbrown, miyaki, and alot of others knowns one.
its interesting to read how they relate things in life

the boy's home the whole day and i aint meeting him today.
let him do his stuff la
let him meditate.
let him have enough rest
but i know for sure, we wun have enough time tml.